***Warning this story does contain some graphic details. Please only read if you are safe to do so***
I am sharing my story, because I want to show it is possible to overcome, there is victory. That this is just one part of my story. It maybe have started another part of my book, but it is only the beginning. There is more yet to come about moving on from this December night in 2012. This is only the beginning. And I am so thankful what Satan intended for evil I can now say God has started to use, that there is victory. And that is why I can share, because I am confident in that victory. So here is my story:
I went to a movie, and saw Les Mis with a dear. It was a great movie, one that left me thinking, about grace and forgiveness. A movie that left me wondering if I could ever show the kind of forgiveness. After the movie, I wanted to think and I had time. It was a cool, crisp night in December. I went on a walk to think about how crazy God’s grace and forgiveness is, to talk to God about all of that, It was a time when I was so focused on God, and just wanted to talk to him like a friend. That was what I was doing.
So, I was walking, heading towards the round-about. And that is where it all changes. A car pulls up from behind me right next to me. A dark mid-sized SUV, that’s all I can remember, the lights shining from the car and then making eye contact with him. The passenger window was down and he said, “get in the back of the car I have a gun.” I froze. Like a deer in the headlights. My mind went blank. It was like watching a horror movie at the climax. My heart was racing but my mind frozen. Everything I was ever taught about paying attention to details, about fighting, about staying safe, about screaming for help. Everything I was taught from the time I was little, gone just like that. Again, he says “get in the car” this time his voice more angry and agitated. I watched as I got in the back seat. He said “lay down on the backseat and don’t say a word.” I laid there, with nothing and everything running through my mind at the same time. I laid there praying whatever happened, that it would be quick. That if he was going to kill me that he would just do it. I thought about how I would never see my family again. That maybe if I listened, and just did whatever I was told that I would maybe make it out alive. I was lost in my thoughts, I don’t know how long he drove, but the car stopped. I didn’t move. I just laid there, too afraid to do anything. Frozen, yet again.
He climbed in the back, the smell of whiskey was strong. He made eye contact with me, it was like his brown eyes pierced into my mind. Like he knew everything I was thinking. He told me, “don’t fight and this will be easy and painless” He had music playing, and his demeanor changed. He became gentle. He took off my pants and
got on me. He didn’t wait, he didn’t hesitate. He just put himself in me and raped me. It hurt, it was like I was being torn apart, but I was far away, like I was watching. I was silent, silent tears fell. I just wanted it to stop, but I couldn’t even find strength to tell him to stop. My mind was far away, yet racing, wondering if it was ever going to stop, or what else I was going to have to endure. All the while my body, it didn’t align with my mind. It was like my body liked it. He knew it too. He said “you obviously know your place. You owe me, now show me how thankful you are” I laid there far away. I heard what he said but it meant nothing. He tells me to show him I’m thankful and he has maneuvered so he is over me. I opened my mouth and he put himself in my mouth and down my throat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, he went in and out and deeper until he was satisfied. He left himself in me until after I swallowed. I never said no. I simply did everything he said.
Then he told me to just lay there in the back seat. He went to the front of the car and drove. He pulled over and said for me to get out of the car. I did, and just like that, he was gone. That part is just a daze. I walked, I don’t even know from where, but I walked home. I got home, said nothing and got in the shower. I just stood there. And let the water cover me. I couldn’t even cry. I just got lost in the water. And I felt so disgusting. I washed my hair 3 times, I washed my body three times. I got out of the shower and threw all of my clothes into the washer. I went straight back to the shower and just sat in the tub letting the water just cover me. I got out and went and started the washer again. The thought of anything he touched being there, the thought that he had touched me, that he had done more than that. I paced around my apartment trying to just understand what had happened, trying to even figure out what I was doing. It was like I wasn’t even thinking, simply doing. The sound of the washer stopped and I went over and started it right back up again. I went back into the shower, it seemed like the only thing to do. I showered until there was no more warm water left. Then I walked over to my phone and stared at it.
I heard my roommate start to get up and I closed the door to my room and just laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. It was like time was just passing by. It felt like my brain was overloaded that it just froze. I laid there listening to her get ready and leave for work. At that point I decided to call a friend. This friend, she was only 5 minutes away and I knew she would be up. She answered and once she answered I was silent. I couldn’t say anything. She asked if I was there I said yes, she asked if I was okay, I said no. She asked what happened and all I could say was “a guy told me to get in his car and then” that was it. I couldn’t say any more. She got it though, she asked, did he rape you? I said yes. She said she was just pulling up to work and they had a mandatory meeting but right after she would take me to the hospital. I didn’t want to, she said we could talk about it. She told me to call the police. I didn’t want to do that either, especially working there. But she convinced me to. So after I was off the phone I called crime check, because I didn’t think it was an emergency. They couldn’t change anything at the moment. I had to find a way to say what had happened, but when I made that call it was like watching it all happen, like it wasn’t even me making the call. I gave them my name, my address, phone number, and that I was reporting being raped. They said they would have an officer there soon. Normally those calls sit for awhile before an officer responds. Officers hate taking the report calls. They especially hate taking rape calls and tend to avoid them. But there was an officer at my door in under 10 minutes. I thought I would have time to change my mind.
The officer came up and he said he could wait and sit outside my apartment until a female officer showed up. I didn’t care and told him to come in. He asked me so many questions. He would ask me the same thing multiple times. He asked questions about details that I didn’t know. He asked what kind of car, he asked for details on what he was wearing. All I knew was jeans and hoodie. I didn’t know anything else. I knew his eyes were brown, that he was white and he seemed to be in his mid 30’s. That was it. Nothing else. Nothing helpful. It was about the time we had finished that a female lieutenant showed up. The sent her because I worked for dispatch. So a supervisor had to be there. He went out to where I said he had picked me up and looked, but there was no snow so no foot prints or tire prints. While he was doing that she was talking to me. Trying to convince me to go to the hospital with them. I didn’t want to. I simply wanted to wait for my friend and lay in my bed. The thought of leaving the apartment seemed like way too much. She then wanted me to call someone to be with me. I didn’t want to tell anyone else. The two officers then asked if I would talk to the crisis line. I didn’t feel like I was in a crisis, but they wouldn’t leave until I either called someone to come be with me, or called the crisis line. So I opted for the crisis line. Once I was talking to someone they left. The person I talked to listened to me talk about how I didn’t want to talk to anyone. And she listened to whatever else I rambled about. Once that call ended I called my dad, I told him I wanted to be alone. And asked him to tell mom and told him I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Mom called me right away. She wanted to take me to the hospital and wanted to come over. I told her no to both things.
Then I laid in my bed under the covers, because that seemed safest. I laid there feeling so far away, and just let time go by. I would doze off for a short amount of time and wake back up and just felt confused and overwhelmed. It must have been sometime in the afternoon and my phone rang and my friend was off of work an on her way to my apartment. Once I heard her at the door I dragged myself out of bed and let her in. She asked if I wanted anything, if I had eaten. I hadn’t, but I didn’t want anything. She asked if I was ready to go and I said no, but she helped me lock up the apartment and go to her truck. As soon as we pulled in I told her I couldn’t do it that we needed to leave. But she is stubborn and said if nothing else just get checked. So we went in and I signed in, they put a bracelet on my arm. And then I had to sit. I know we sat there for 3 hours before someone saw me. I watched people come in, I paced, I wanted to leave, it was loud, it was busy, it was crazy. I had times where I thought for sure something else would happen. I watched the clock, I watched it change from 3 to 4, from 4 to 5 and just as it was almost 6 they called my name.
I went back and the nurse was very friendly. She brought me warm blankets, and had me change to a gown, she asked if I wanted an advocate, my friend answered for me and said yes, so she called one. I sat there curled up under the blankets. My friend put on a basketball game and we sat there. Then I had to tell what happened all over again. This time they didn’t ask for details over and over again. Just listened and notated. Then asked if I wanted to do a kit or just be checked. I didn’t want to do the kit. I knew I had messed that up, and didn’t see the point. They didn’t argue, left and came back to do the exam. They had me put my feet in the stirrups, and the doctor explained everything before and then explained everything as she was doing it. I had tears going down my face as the exam went on. I just laid there, frozen, distant, and everything was so sore. I know she was being gentle, but it all hurt. And just like that it was over. It was right after the advocate showed up. She came in and talked. She asked if I had eaten, I said no, she went and had someone bring me food. I kind of nibbled and listened, she was talking to me about things, but I wasn’t even really listening. I just wanted to be done. They gave me some pills, I don’t even know what all they gave me, I just said ok and took them. Then they said we were good to go, that all paperwork was done. And we left. I went to my friend’s I ate dinner at her house. Then I went home. I curled up in my bed and just was in and out of sleep all night. That was the longest day of my life.