I am

I am finally getting what it means to take thoughts captive. And it definitely is not as easy as it sounds. Often times what happens is I get to where I am not sleeping well, and get exhausted, and that leads to a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. I usually get stuck in those and so consumed with the negative things of the day that it only drags me further down. This last week I decided to try something different. I have been coming up with 3 things that have been good in the day. Even on the days that it has been hard, with little sleep, or where I have had anxious thoughts running through my head. While it hasn’t made everything perfect it has made a difference. 

This last week has been a challenge. The last couple of days were even more so a challenge. But I kept looking at things that had gone well the last few days and I knew that I could make it through all of this. I know I could make it through all of this because I had written down how I had made it through before, because despite each struggle I knew that there were good things each day. And most importantly for me, I am learning that it is okay to be where I am at. The perfect example of this was going to a girl’s night out, I had a couple days of being a hyped up kind of anxious. Where I wasn’t sleeping well, it was like an excited anxious. There were racing thoughts, an inability to sit still, and just the inability to get a full deep breath. Then I got to where I completely crashed. I want from a hyper anxious spot to an exhausted anxious spot. That led to a night of very little sleep and a day of high emotions. I didn’t want to be around people at all. But I decided to go, and I am glad I did. 

The ladies I was with were awesome. I know I wasn’t as talkative or my usual self but I was there. And I never felt like I needed to be more than I was at that moment. That where I was, was okay. There were times thoughts ran through my head that I should have stayed home because I wasn’t overly excited, but I was able to remind myself, I am enough right where I am. And those around me haven’t said anything, they haven’t tried to change my mood, they are just going with it. That was how I knew I was okay. That it was okay and that I just needed to be present. Once I was okay with just feeling and being where I was there was freedom. And it made the roller coaster of emotions okay. It made all of the positive thoughts I had written down mean more and it gave me a stronger confidence. That I can do this, I will get through it and I have people who are okay with me as me. Realizing I can be me, that my feelings are valid and I don’t have to fight them, I just have to be, and also remind myself of the truth. And the truth is I am a conqueror, I am covered in grace, I am loved, I am enough right where I am. 


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