This last week has been a challenging one. It has been different though, in the midst of the storm and the chaos I have had confidence. Confidence that I will get through this. That things will get better. That it is just another trial and I will come out stronger. That confidence hasn’t always been there. Sometimes it would come in waves of times getting a glimpse of what that must look and feel like, but not this time, this time it has been a steadfast confidence.
This last week I had one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. A few months back I started taking Prazosin, a medicine that helps with night terrors. I haven’t had one since then, I have had times where I wake up feeling panicked or having a nightmare, but no night terrors. The difference is a night terror, I wake up disoriented, on this particular night I woke up kicking and thrashing around, I was crying, my heart was racing and it felt like everything was happening again. I felt sore, exhausted, and in a complete panic. If you have ever experienced this, I’m sorry, if you haven’t I do not wish it upon you. This definitely caught me off guard, as it has been so long since I had one. That in itself is an improvement. This has led to some sleepless night, mostly for fear of it happening again. That is one of the challenges, trying to convince my brain that it is safe, that it is okay to sleep. That nothing bad will happen if I sleep. It is a lot harder than it sounds, which has consequently led to 4 nights of little sleep because of feeling a need to be alert, hyper-vigilant if you will.
On my way home tonight, God used a song on the radio to comfort my anxious heart. It’s called Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. The lyrics are simple, “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain” It is a very repetitive song, but one that my heart needed to hear. It made me think of the storms that are faced in the Bible, especially the one in Matthew 8:23-26 (NLT):
Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
It all of the sudden made sense. Jesus was sleeping in the storm. It wasn’t because it was easy, but he knew he had nothing to worry about because God is in charge. The great shepherd with his rod and staff is standing watching. If Jesus can sleep in the storm and trust the Father, than why can’t I? That is what I am doing tonight. I am breaking a chain, it may be for a night, it may just be for this moment, but to me that is a miracle. I may not be able to climb over the wall, or knock it down, but I can be content with where I am and know it is okay. That God is in control and I am safe. There is no better place to be for shelter in the middle of the storm than God’s shelter. I am going to be there tonight, in God’s shelter, under his wing, while he stands guard with his rod and staff. Nothing gets to take away that shelter, not the things that have happened, the memories that play in my mind, the anxious feeling, or even the lack of sleep. My God is bigger than that. He is going to break the chain tonight around sleep, I know it and have an expectant heart because he promised he would never leave and would be there. I am going to rest in the arms of my strong gentle Father tonight.