I am mad at God.
That is a tough sentence to write, it is raw and vulnerable. It is a sentence that carries a punch and one that can cause discomfort to others. It can lead to people trying to rush in and fix the anger towards God. But the truth is they can’t fix it, they can’t change that feeling. It is something that I have to work out on my own. And if you are someone who is feeling that or has felt that way, let me start by saying, you are not alone. Let me tell you the good news I know, God is patient, He is strong and He knows your heart. He sees your hurt. Even though you are angry He still holds you when you cry and wipes every single tear. He gives you the space you need and is waiting. It is okay, you can be mad at God.
The idea is to have a relationship with God, a true, genuine, real relationship. Do you get mad at people you love? Of course, whenever two people enter into relationship in any form there is bound to be disagreements, miscommunication, and anger. The beautiful thing is you know which relationships are strongest because they survive through those tensions. A relationship with God is no different.
I have been angry with Him and not wanted to talk to Him. But there have been moments where I have wanted nothing more than to curl up on my Daddy’s lap and be wrapped in his reassuring love. Do you know how amazing of an experience it is to be able to be angry, yet confident in the relationship? Confident that it doesn’t matter how mad I am, it doesn’t matter how long I have gone without talking to God, and to know He is there waiting with His arms wide open. It is a place of security, a place of comfort and what it means to allow Him to be my rock.
Let me share with you why I have been mad at God. I have been angry because He gave me this dream, this passion, this unsatisfiable desire to help people, to empower them to have a voice. To equip refugees to be able to integrate and live in another country, to help the most vulnerable of people to have a voice. A dream to fight for justice. However, justice, that is the very thing I yearn for, but will never have here on Earth. The guy who raped me will never be charged, I will never see his face again. I know nothing about him. My Uncle who molested me, he will never have to take ownership for what he did to me as a little girl. He is free from the consequences of his choices. I have this passion and desire to help others find justice, I am willing to fight in anyway possible, to lobby Congress, to encourage, to sit with people in their heartbreak. Yet, it is the very thing that I will never get to experience here.
My heart breaks. I cannot think about it without tears, without a pit in my stomach, and I get this desire to fight for that justice. To try to find any way possible to get to experience that. But the reality is there is not anything I can change, that I can do that will satisfy that desire. I watch Law and Order SVU every week because I love Olivia and the rest of her unit and how they fight for justice. I watch it because I long for that very same thing. Yet it is something I have to come terms with, I will not ever have that. At least, not in the way that I want or desire.
That is what makes me angry at God. And it is okay. God waits. I have had moments of not being angry. It depends on the moment where I am at right now with God. I want to be in His presence, He has done so much for me, He has shown me so much, He has answered prayers, He has paved a way for me to be where I am today. I trust Him. I trust Him enough to know that He is right there with me in my anger. I know that His heart sits in the anguish with me. I know that He has a desire for justice. I know that He weeps with me. So, tonight, it’s okay. It is okay that after a roller coaster week, including an amazing God moment, that tonight I am questioning and angry at God. It is more than okay, it is justified and it is part of relationship.
Tonight, I am confident that God loves me, that He has plans for me, that this too will work out. I am certain that my angry and hurting heart is seeking for something and God will show up. I also am convinced that my relationship with God will only grow closer, that his consistency will prevail over my emotions. And I know that these emotions are fueled by passion, and it is all new and scary stepping into a new job, an internship, and school, but it will be worth the struggles. I know that He won’t leave me without a way, even if I am mad at Him.
So I encourage you, if you are in the same place, to take a deep breath and know you are loved regardless. If you are walking alongside someone who is in this spot, do not try to fix it. Love them right where they are, let them be angry at God. Let the Holy Spirit work in their hearts. Speak the truth over them, but don’t push them to pray or to be in the Word. Empower the person by validating where they are, and saying it is okay God loves you and will be waiting for you. He knows your anger, your hurt, your fears, and all things that are fueling this moment and He is sitting with you. Encourage yelling at God, because guess what? He can take it. And there is nothing more amazing than to be fully known in a moment of anger and loved, comforted, and welcomed.
These are my thoughts, my heart and what I have learned over the last couple of weeks for myself in being mad, hurt and frustrated by the situation. I want to through my arms up in the air ask why and yell. It also makes me want to curl up my Abba’s lap and weep. I end confident that this too will pass, and it will me another foundational brick laid in my relationship with Abba, my Daddy, my Father. I feel free in the confidence of knowing that my emotions, thoughts, and words do not change how my Heavenly Father sees me. It doesn’t change my desire for justice and it doesn’t provide that justice, but it does provide a peace that surpasses understanding.