This part of my story is hard for me to share. It’s a piece that I have quite a bit of shame and it is still very raw. But, I was at a concert and Mandisa shared her story and reminded me that God uses everything and has a plan for not just the good, but the bad and the ugly. And at Church today talking about the prodigal son, there was a statement that the Father saw all the sin, but still loved and welcomed his child home. Knowing these things I can confidently share this and know God has a plan for it. I have a feeling this won’t be the only post on the subject.
In the beginning of December I reached a point of being so overwhelmed, that I did not want to deal with anything. I wanted a break for a few days, I didn’t want to have to worry about life. I had been in the hospital for suicidal ideation, was discharged and a few days later I overdosed. I took medicine that I had in hopes of being able to sleep for a few days because life had become too much. I had a lot that I was worried about and impulsively I took sleeping medicine that I had. I was taken to the hospital and then admitted back into the psychiatric hospital. Since June, I have been in the psychiatric hospital 5 times, each time involving suicidal thoughts, and the 5th time an overdose. I felt like I was failing at life. I was struggling with being stable and functioning in everyday life.
Mandisa wrote a new song and it resonated with my heart. It’s called I’m Still Here. These are some of the parts that stuck out to me:
“This overcomer, lost her will to fight”
“Now I see There’s a reason I survived There’s a story still to write His grace is working everything Everything for my good in only a way that, only He could.”
(The full lyrics are posted below)
I can recognize that there is more to come, that God uses everything that I go through, even what I am currently carrying the most shame about.
The good news is that now that medicine has been adjusted I am doing so much better. I feel the best that I have since before June. But that doesn’t take away the hurt, the guilt, and the shame. It doesn’t just magically get rid of the resonating feelings. There are days where it comes to mind that I did something I never would have imagined that I would do, yet it is now part of my story.
So why share all of this? I want to let anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts know, you are not alone, there is hope, and people do understand. I understand. I want to be vulnerable and transparent about what I’m going through trusting and knowing that God has a plan for all of it. Even the hard things and the times that I have wandered away from God. I also can confidently say that because of God’s promise the best is yet to come. I have learned that there is hope, even in the darkest moments, even in the midst of shame there is hope. And this is my attempt to squander the lie of the enemy that God could never use this, or that God could never love me or take me back. The reality is He sees my shortcomings, He knows my shame, and yet my return to Him and a belief in hope has resulted in Him throwing a party. He has run out to meet me with his arms wide open reminding me that He isn’t done and the best is yet to come.