Death Without a Funeral

Silence:

It screams.

It yells.

It  hurts.

It is a reminder of the brokenness, the loss, and the hurt caused by divorce. Silence has a feeling, it’s heavy, it’s sorrowful, it feels unbearable. In the silence I can feel the broken pieces of my heart. Those broken pieces are wrecked by abandonment, shattered by deception, and crushed by betrayal. My thoughts become loud in the silence, even with background noise, the loneliness creates fuel for thoughts that are loud and captivating. Marriage is not supposed to end because one does not simply feel ready, or because things were hard, or because things did not go as planned.

I sit and think about the sacrament of marriage. It’s a covenant vow, one that Jesus explains as inseparable “since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together “ (Matthew 19:6). It wasn’t meant to be broken which is why it hurts so much. It’s the reason my heart and mind are not aligned, I know in my mind that this divorce will be for the best. I know that God will use this in some way. I know that I can’t change the fact that my husband decided that this is what he wants to do. I can simply face each day and the emotions that come with it.

I know that there is hope, I am constantly reminded of that. But right now, I need to be able to sit and feel the sadness, the anger, the abandonment, the betrayal, the loneliness, the despair, and grieve the loss. I need to be be able to say I’m not okay. I need to be able to cry. I am sharing this to share with others and to say it’s okay to not be okay. I know that it is part of the healing, but it’s a hard, dark, isolating process. The hardest part is knowing no one can fix it.

It’s like watching a tragedy happen. I am longing for my partner, the man I said “I do” to, I’m longing for the security that comes from a covenant relationship. I’m longing for companionship, the kind that can’t be broken by day to day living. My heart is broken and grieving all of the dreams that have had to die in the process of this divorce. I have had to say good bye to how I envisioned my future family to look like, to what building a life with the man I married would be, I had to say good bye to a job that I loved, to a place that I long to be, many dreams simply had to die. New ones will eventually replace them but now isn’t the time.

The song that best sums up how I feel right now is called “Death Without a Funeral” by Jason Gray. He wrote this song because “grieving a divorce is hard because there are no clear markers of things that have come to an end.” It captures my heart and I hope if nothing else, this gives further understanding of how hard this process is for me and that right now I’m not okay. I simply need people to be around and to sit with me in this journey of healing.

Death Without a Funeral

There’s no stone to lay the flowers down beside

No mention in the paper, though something clearly died

No gathering for family and friends to eulogize

It’s a death without a funeral

There’s no book to sign for people filing in

No table full of pictures, where they’d say “Remember when”

No song is sung about how all good things come to an end

It’s a death without a funeral

When you see me, I’m still breathing

Though a million things have died inside of me

But there’s no healing without grieving

No wonder why it’s hard to rest in peace

When there’s nothing we can bury in the dirt

No place to lay the memory of all the things that were

No way to feel the closure, no ending to the hurt

It’s a death without a funeral

When you see me, I’m still breathing

Though a million things have died inside of me

But there’s no healing without grieving

No wonder why it’s hard to rest in peace

One apple hadn’t fallen with the leaves

As I reached up I remembered how we both planted that tree

With one bite I was surprised to find the fruit was still so sweet

 

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