It has been over a year since I have written on this blog and a lot has happened. There has been so much change and growth that has occurred and I needed to do that in my own space and on my own. I have however, reached a point where I want to begin using my voice again. I want to continue to use my life to make a difference. I want to normalize conversations around mental health, I want to find my voice post deconstruction of my faith, I want to find purpose in my struggles and use them to provide hope to others. I want others to not feel alone. I want to normalize the human experience in life through living my life in an authentic and raw way that give others permission to be where they are at without shame.
The best place I can think to start is to highlight what has changed since my last post. The first thing is a celebration, a year ago I started a new medication, and I have now gone a year without a hospitalization. I started an injectable form of my medication in February and it has been a game changer. My moods have been level and suicidal thoughts have disappeared. That is a huge change for me and it has allowed me to have a level of stability that I did not know was possible. I stopped my MSW program for now. I decided to focus on obtaining stability and really focusing on getting healthy in all aspects of life. I moved back in with my parents to really allow this to happen.
The pandemic and stay at home orders offered me the chance to leave church and really challenge my beliefs and to work to align my beliefs and faith. This has been a rewarding experience. I still believe in God and Jesus. I however, disagree with the church and the way things are taught. I am slowly seeking out a church that welcomes and encourages seeking, questioning, and challenging the status quo. I have found it is important to me for a church to have women in leadership, to be affirming of the LGBTQ+ community, to be engaged in social justice issues such as Black Lives Matter, welcoming the refugee and asylum seeker, to be loving those who are homeless, those with addictions, those with mental health diagnosis, and loving of those who are walking through life challenges. I want to be surrounded by individuals who believe that issues are not black and white, that it right and wrong is not always an all or nothing issue. I believe in radical love and acceptance of the human experience. I am sure I will write more on this subject, but it is a glimpse of the biggest transformation I have undergone this last year.
Currently, I am participating in the Emily Program, which is an eating disorder program. I sought out help to work through binge eating and using food as an emotional coping tool that really came to light after my rape and has been a silent struggle for the last almost 9 years. I am ready for change. I am ready to face those deep emotional wounds and to put in the work to overcome my unhealthy, disordered relationship with food. This is part of my motivation to restart this blog, I found power and healing in being able to put my experiences and what I learn into words. It gives me a way to find a voice and move to a place of being a conqueror over the turbulence of life.
I appreciate those of you who read and walk through this journey of life with me. Please feel free to connect through comments, emails, or the Facebook page. I look forward to getting back into the routine of regular writing and finding my voice through this platform. Let this be a mark of a new start and fresh beginnings.
Victim To Conqueror 